5 days into the research

So, post number one!

First of all, I want you all to know that we haven't made any decision yet - true to our cautious-while-open-minded nature, but we want everyone close to us to be aware of what we're doing and what we decide as we go along. If we decide to do this, we want everyone to be as excited as we will be, and believe that we're doing a good thing.

In my process of researching, I found that so many recent adoption stories are kept track of through a blog, not only for the families' benefit, but for information tracking for the adopters.

Here's what's going on so far, and what has happened up to this point...

Last Sunday night Jason and I were watching Dateline, on purpose because of a story that was to appear. It was about the Salem family, who oddly enough lives about 45 minutes away from us. Several years ago they adopted twin - a boy and a girl - babies from Russia. They wanted to have children that way vs. biologically so they could save a child that already lives. Then later they find out that their children have 4 other brothers and sisters - two other sets of twins. A set of boys and a set of girls. Yes one family with three sets of twins. So they wanted to adopt the other 4 kids to keep them together. It was a very touching story, covering all the ups and downs of international adoption.

Jason and I have thought about and discussed international adoption, particularly from Russia, several times as as option when we were ready. That story got the fire going again and we promptly spent every available minute from that point on researching. It's something we had thought about in the past and decided we'd try to find out if it was even possible now. Back when we talked about it other times it was scrapped as an idea because of the expense. To adopt from Russia it costs at LEAST $30k, usually more like $50k. Just not an option for us. Plus they make it so hard with the process - in fact adoption from Russia is closed to the US currently anyway.

So within a few minutes of research I found out that Ukrainian adoption is not only easier, available, and just as needy, but a lot less money. Still a lot of money, but not nearly as much. It can cost anywhere from $12k to $20k, done independent of an agency (more on that later). We figured out with the fees in our state it would cost probably about $15-18k for us, the range due to the cost of travel/possible extra expenses while in Ukraine being uncertain.

So onward with Ukrainian research we went. We can across Cathy Harris' website (www.Ukrainianangels.org), who helps with independent Ukrainian adoption. Independent means without an agency, which is really the way to go with Ukraine because agencies can't do much for you because of Ukrainian laws. They can't help you once you're there, they just tell you how to prepare your dossier (paperwork for adoption application to be sent to Ukraine), which you can find out on your own, or through someone like Cathy. Cathy helps with anything you need to know and then sets you up with known reliable people in Ukraine (translator, etc.), helps you with your dossier, reviews it for issues and needed changes, and lots of that kind of stuff.

Moving on... Now we needed to really focus on all the pros and cons of doing this so we know if it's entirely emotional or if it's really a good idea. Of course we never do anything just based on stubborn desire, we have to know what we're doing and that it's really going to work. We have to memorize as much as possible about it and justify it to ourselves before we do it, as if we were trying to convince skeptics.

Pros to having a child are obvious and not debated among most, but generally include extra facts such as that the cons to child raising are generally easier on us than most people - we both work at home and the time constraints, though large, would be easier than they are for most people. And many other things which don't need to be written about now. :)

Pros to adoption include the desire to help a needed child, save one if we can. It has been something I've analyzed within myself - demanding to prove to myself that I wouldn't be doing this to make myself feel good, and that it is something I really want to do. But it really is something that makes me nearly cry to think about how I could help - and think about how the kids live over there. Jason has liked this idea longer than I have, but drops it if I have no interest. He never pressures me about anything. But lately we're both very emotional and thoughtful about it. If only you've read the stories we have. It's been on my mind for the last year or so pretty heavily, and blew up when we saw that show!

I realize, over the course of years thinking about how a child effects your life, how much would change permanently. Though my levels of being okay with this go up and down, I'm generally not bothered by it at all.

We are tentatively thinking of a child somewhere between 2-4. Now before you get all bent out of shape about the fact that we don't want an infant and start making a mental list of the warnings about getting a kid that age group, don't worry. We've thought of and researched them all. We're aware, don't worry.

Cons to adoption include, obviously, health concerns. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. One of the reasons we like the idea of a child that is a little older (say 4 perhaps) is that there is a little more you can tell about their health in all 3 of those ways. However, they are more likely to have health problems the older they are because of the greater chance of being in an orphanage for longer. So the pros and cons balance with that probably. So then it's just an issue of being careful. Having her checked by a trustworthy doctor before we decide for sure, watching her interact, talking to her, etc.

The biggest issues of health in Ukraine are fetal alcohol syndrome, and malnutrition. Malnutrition and issues resulting from it are relatively easy to fix. FAS usually has noticeable symptoms for that age group, so it can be avoided.

Of all the stories on adoption I've already heard, all the people I've already talked to at length, all the info I've scoured through endlessly... This is the main thing I've come across the most: Child was diagnosed with something. Heart murmur, developmental delays, parasites, on and on... And then turn out to have - nothing. They are diagnostically trigger happy over there and no one knows why. Obviously there are a lot of seriously unhealthy kids. HIV, TB, serious parasites, holes in hearts, cerebral palsy, etc. And then other things that are fixable but still no fun - cleft lip/palate, club feet, cross eyes... Those are all things that are detectable and will be known about before deciding and bringing home a child. Of course some things can happen or be found out about after adoption, we're not stupid - we know the possibilities. But generally speaking the risk is lower than it would originally seem when you hear horror stories of sickly kids being brought home. Still, we'll be careful.

Of course it's possible to be surprised, after adopting, of some serious issue. Mental or physical. And that's something we'd have to just do our best to avoid or be okay with dealing with a surprise like that. We'd have to make sure we're okay with the risks and challenges we'd face as a couple and as a whole family. This has been one reason I've delayed having children for so long - fears of unknown things that cause drama that I just didn't want. I deal with stress well, but I don't like it!

However, I have come to more agreeable terms with the possiblity of that kind of stress. With anything in life, you have to deal with possible things going wrong. Usually things turn out fine. When they don't, they will be someday.

Then there are behavioral problems. Those are also generally noticeable immediately, particularly in kids older than 2. Even FAS usually has physical signs.

We're confident, especially due to the experiences of others, that we will be able to find what we consider perfect. Healthy enough, happy enough, and wanting us.

As for the process, it doesn't seem that hard really. It's a lot of work - much like preparing to buy a house. Paperwork gathering, proving via a social worker homestudy that you're ok to adopt in various ways, lots of notarizing and swearing you're telling the truth, and then comes the hard part - actually going! If we decide to do this, you will all have to come to terms with the worry about us being in Ukraine anywhere from 3-6 weeks! But again - we know what to expect. Most people say it's dirt poor in many areas, but places like Kiev (aka Kyiv) are like 1950's NYC as far as the way people act. Friendly, honest, and helpful for the most part. Worth the trouble, they all say, in the end.

The only obstacle we haven't completely overcome so far is money. We don't want to take out a loan or refinance or anything like that. This is hard enough without going through that kind of irritation, especially because we are no-doc people because of the home business and that means that the interest rates are higher and loans harder to get. We can maybe cover the first few months of the process by stringent saving and conserving. About $7k's worth in about 5 months (EEK... now that I see it on paper I'm not so sure!). The rest- lost income for up to 6 weeks, and about $10k for the actual trip and adoption, that we're not sure how we can save it in time. According to the time lines I've seen so far, the process from start to travel usually takes about 6-9 months. Which puts us at the end of this year or early next if we go as soon as we're allowed and if we started now.

So that brings us to 5 days after the beginning of our truly serious research. We are by no means 100% decided. We are still open to opinions and viewpoints of others. We don't know yet if we even can do it financially. But we think we have a shot at it more than a lot of other people who have done it, and figure there are places we can turn if we get in a jam - even if that means our "untouchable unless you're dying" savings. Not really our nature to do that, but hey, this is quite a different situation.

All for now, my fingers are getting tired!

Love,
Molly