The Pile.

So since I didn't get to write as many details in the last post as I would have liked, and since there haven't been any comments (and maybe not any viewers!) yet, I'm going to hurry up and address some things I know will come up among advice-givers and those-who-think-I've-lost-my-mind-ers.

First of all (I'll refrain from bullets or numbered points this time... Gotta get away from that!) we've heard before the concerns about adopting more than one child. I can imagine that the concerns over adopting more than one OLDER child are even more plentiful! Believe me, I know. I have concerns. I'm not being naive. I know it won't be easy. Jason and I have talked about it a lot and have been learning a lot about all the possible issues we might face. Jason keeps saying that anyone who wants to do this has to be at least 50% doing it for the purpose of helping someone else. Not because it'll be all fun and games for us.

Knowing what issues we might face I think is probably the most important thing we can do right now. Be mentally prepared as much as we can possibly be, while knowing too that there will still be surprises and days we ask what in the world we got ourselves into.

Another concern I can see crossing the minds of some is that we'd be missing out on the fun younger ages. That's not really true either... If we really like these kids and adopt them, they'll be out of the house in 10 years or so. Between now and then we'll still be young enough to adopt (or have) an infant if we wanted. Or a 3 year old. Or whatever.

Honestly I'm not too picky about the ages. I do feel like it is a little weird... a lot weird actually... to think about having "kids" that are only 16 years or so younger than me. I didn't intend to create my own Gilmore Girls series when we started this. I think it will be weird for me and for other people for a long time. (Note: Jason doesn't care at all about it being weird.) But at the same time if the kids are right for us, it shouldn't really matter as much. We got into this wanting to help a child that might otherwise have a terrible life. The older they are, the less likely they are to be adopted.

Of course there is a limit. Not only in age but also in things we're willing to handle. We need to make sure, to the extent possible, that we won't be tying ourselves to issues that we will kill ourselves trying to fix. I don't think I could handle severe Reactive Attachment Disorder, for instance. I can't handle the idea of adopting a teenager, for instance. Although I would rather adopt a healthy teenager than a 5 year old with RAD. And in some older-kid cases, RAD is less likely. Rejection and attachment issues are inevitable, but not RAD.

We have to do 10 hours of online training as part of this process. We found out about it yesterday. Of course our agency that wrote our home study didn't tell us about it. We've learned a lot from it already about different adjustment issues the kids face, even if they're happy about being adopted. There will be no honeymoon period. There will be testing. They (like the dogs we train) have to learn what we will allow, what we can take, and whether we would ever give up on them if they were bad enough. The older they are and the longer they've been in an institution, the greater the chance that they've been abused. We've already resigned ourselves to the idea that whoever we adopt will need counseling.

On the other hand, many people deal with behavior issues, adjustment issues, kids with disorders and all kinds of things - and they are their bio kids! Knowing in advance that we'll probably have these kinds of things to deal with doesn't change whether or not we can handle them.

In talking about these possibilities, I asked Jason how he felt about these prospects. He said it made him look forward to it even more. He's not denying the possibilities and he's not afraid of them. He wants to face whatever challenges come with the children we carefully choose. For someone who worries a lot and overreacts at times to minor stress, he's a stinking cucumber about this! (As in "cool as a"...)

We've also talked about making sure, no matter what happens, that we don't let it negatively effect our relationship with each other and our spirituality.

Comments and concerns are appreciated, when they do (inevitably) come. But we want you all to know that we're not expecting smooth-except-minor-issues from this process. HA! as if anything in this process is smooth! If we do indeed adopt TWO. OLDER. KIDS., we know it could be really tough. Doing a good thing for someone else is often not easy. And we will need help, advice, and support ongoing... And I'm sure, from past experience with your opinions, some of you will believe that if anyone can do this...

So... Will I still come up smelling like a rose after jumping into THIS pile? ;)

Love,
Molly