Sorry for the delay!
OK so what's new.... Well the guy came on Wednesday for the first part of the home study. He sat at our kitchen table for three hours to mainly ask questions about our families, their ages, names, where we went to school, any nieces or nephews, etc. He said that part was easy because we're relatively young and a lot of people have dozens of them! (Not that you guys should go having MORE kids.) Then asked questions about our relationships with our siblings and our parents, how we were raised, what's most important to us in raising children, what we think our parents did well and not well. I bet you wish I was going to stop here and tell you what we said! Muahahaha!
At one point he asked us what each of us consider a stressful situation. Up to that point he'd asked Jason all questions first, and I got to think about my answer in the meantime. This time, he asked me first. I was stumped. To kill the silence and the imaginary sound of crickets, closely followed by the Jeopardy song, I commented on how family calls me un-stress-out-able. Unflappable is Dad's word for me. I quickly amended it with a mention of the fact that surely, some things do bother me and make me feel stressed. An extreme lack of needed money, for instance, would stress anyone out.... But, I continued with a confused expression, that too was not that big of a deal. I could always stay calm and figure things out, for the most part, typically, usually, really. Seems like this question and the overall blank confusion is the most stress I've had lately. So I turned to Jay and asked him what he thought really stresses me out. He thought for a minute and I thought for a minute. Finally ("ding!" said the light bulb) I sat up quickly in my chair and looked at Dan, the social worker, eagerly waiting for an answer. I said "OH! I know. When I think someone's mad at me." Jason immediately, as if he just remembered the name of a movie on the tip of his tongue, said "YEAH, THAT'S it." "Really?" Dan asked, as he scribbled doctor handwriting type words on his forms. "Yes, when I think someone's mad or upset with me, or I think I've maybe hurt someone's feelings." Jason continued to concur: "Yeah, even if she thinks she might have and isn't sure." I nodded hysterically. You would have think I needed a tranquilizer. And I didn't even have coffee that day. So then Dan asked how I handle that situation. Do I let it fester or do I deal with it immediately? I adamantly scoffed at the idea of letting something fester and explained that I would have to talk to that person immediately or I wouldn't function till it was handled. He smiled and nodded while he scribbled.
Jason's turn to respond to this tough question... His answer? Simply, fittingly: "Having to answer personal questions." AH! To know yourself so well. He nailed that one! Dan asked why, and Jason tried to explain that it was mainly because of his shy nature and the fact that answering personal questions just isn't something you normally have to do. So it's weird. He has no trouble saying anything in front of people he's gotten to know well and is around often. But otherwise, ehhh.
His other answer was anticipation, such as when he was working at school and the principal would come by in the morning and say "At the end of the day, stop by. I want to talk to you about something." That would drive him nuts all day wondering what he wanted. In the end, it was always illogical to worry, it would always be something silly like a school art project or something. But the anticipation just about gave him a breakdown. Dan noticed how those two things - the anticipation of a social worker coming to ask him personal questions - must've been tough to handle. We all had a big laugh. The dogs barked, startled.
So then we asked him a bunch of questions. I asked a lot about some of the answers he gets from other people. Interesting stories.
All in all it wasn't that huge of an ordeal. Dan is a great social worker, put us at ease as much as possible, and was very nice. He seemed to like us, and we actually had a good time.
So next step is he has to come a second time to walk through the house to make sure we have enough room for a child, basically. Once the home study is completed, it gets sent to USCIS (spoken of in earlier posts) to accompany our previously sent in form and have them approve us. Then we continue gathering papers to send to Ukraine. Shouldn't take much more. A doctor visit and a form, notarized, saying we're healthy. Copies of other stuff, notarized to death. We also have to go get fingerprinted. Ooooh.
Everything seems to be going quickly. I hope we can save $ as fast as it's going...
Lastly, before publishing this post, I want to make clear that it took me just a little longer to write it as it did for you to read it. I don't plan out my funny way of writing, for those of you who tend think about how I express myself, or even tend to marvel my "way with words". ;) It just comes out that way. But... this ability some of you think I have, is NOT how I answered the question "What are you most proud of?" THAT, my favorite people, is a secret between Dan the Social Worker, Jason, and me.
Love,
Molly
Friday, June 15, 2007
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Can you see the $1600 wave bye bye?!
Our home study is scheduled for tomorrow at 11:30, at least to start. We'll be doing the interview then. As it turns out we need FIVE references from non-family members. Not too hard but a pain to get addresses and phone numbers for five unrelated people who we don't mind asking to talk about us. :) It's a good thing that it doesn't matter if the references are related to each other, we may very well have more than one Hartman, plus SuSu who is 2nd cousin (or something like that) to Rachel.
Thanks for the family who helped us gather our previous residence address from our childhood!
Jason was having me quiz him on some of the questions we could be asked. One I asked was "What race are you?" He thought for a minute and said with a proud smile, "26 miles! Is that right?"
We'll let you know how it goes!
Love,
Molly
Thanks for the family who helped us gather our previous residence address from our childhood!
Jason was having me quiz him on some of the questions we could be asked. One I asked was "What race are you?" He thought for a minute and said with a proud smile, "26 miles! Is that right?"
We'll let you know how it goes!
Love,
Molly
Thursday, June 7, 2007
The microscope
Dad sent me an email to ask what a home study is, and it occurred to me that all of you might be wondering that since I haven't really explained it in much detail. As it happens, of course I'll post the experience, but I'll tell you what I know so far based on what I've been told.
Oddly enough, in order to adopt a child that's already living and living poorly, you have to prove that your home would be a good home for a child. That you can afford to raise one, that your house is suitable living conditions, and that you're responsible. But yet ANYONE can create their own child and there's nothing anyone can do about it.
A home study is done by a social worker that you hire to come to your house for a 3 hour interview that includes questions on everything in your past, current and future life (where you've lived, your relationship with parents and siblings, your marriage quality, your religion, all kinds of stuff). Then they do a walk through your home to make sure you have room for your new child and make sure of the living conditions being suitable. Not that you have to have everything in place yet- child locks, gates, furniture, etc. But they just check the house out.
They look at your tax returns and bank statements. They ask you for every address you've EVER lived in for background checks (which means parents we're going to need help with that). They look at your health insurance plan, and require a certified copy of your birth certificate and marriage license (which I've already ordered extra from SC and NJ for both of us on vitalchek.com).
After it's all done and the report is written up, it's looked over by us for accuracy and sent to the local USCIS (US Citizens and Immigration Services) to go along with our initial form that we sent in the other day. Once they receive all that, they send an approval saying we're acceptable to adopt. Then we gather everything else and send it to Ukraine along with that approval from the USCIS.
Should be happening next week sometime if all goes as planned. Keep you posted!
Love,
Molly
Oddly enough, in order to adopt a child that's already living and living poorly, you have to prove that your home would be a good home for a child. That you can afford to raise one, that your house is suitable living conditions, and that you're responsible. But yet ANYONE can create their own child and there's nothing anyone can do about it.
A home study is done by a social worker that you hire to come to your house for a 3 hour interview that includes questions on everything in your past, current and future life (where you've lived, your relationship with parents and siblings, your marriage quality, your religion, all kinds of stuff). Then they do a walk through your home to make sure you have room for your new child and make sure of the living conditions being suitable. Not that you have to have everything in place yet- child locks, gates, furniture, etc. But they just check the house out.
They look at your tax returns and bank statements. They ask you for every address you've EVER lived in for background checks (which means parents we're going to need help with that). They look at your health insurance plan, and require a certified copy of your birth certificate and marriage license (which I've already ordered extra from SC and NJ for both of us on vitalchek.com).
After it's all done and the report is written up, it's looked over by us for accuracy and sent to the local USCIS (US Citizens and Immigration Services) to go along with our initial form that we sent in the other day. Once they receive all that, they send an approval saying we're acceptable to adopt. Then we gather everything else and send it to Ukraine along with that approval from the USCIS.
Should be happening next week sometime if all goes as planned. Keep you posted!
Love,
Molly
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Orphans great and small
Yesterday Jason and I had to travel to Elizabethtown, PA (about 2 hours away) to pick up dogs for a client. This client, named Candy, has 3 biological children, and NINE adopted children. The nine are from mostly Vietnam I think, and a few other places maybe. She runs a website for an adoption foundation. Still not exactly sure what they do, but I'll be finding out more when she comes to pick up her dogs on the 17th.
As it turned out one of the families in PA that has worked with Cathy Harris before (independent adoption helper mentioned in my first post) lives about 10 minutes from Candy, and offered to have us visit anytime to meet her 5 1/2 year old son she adopted from Ukraine 4 years ago. So since we were going out there anyway, we arranged to stop in for a bit. As soon as we got there, Genya (Ukrainian way for saying "Gene" we found out) can running out toward us with a packet of paper saying "This is about me and my picture from Ukraine!!!" He was so funny. He reminded me a little of Tristan, he had the same way of saying words with L's and R's, too. Very cute. Didn't have Tristan's inflection at the end of his sentences, though (see Volvo commercial with little girl saying "and I don't know what it IIIiiiIs"). But anyway, we sat on Audrie's couch for an hour asking occasional questions but mostly hearing the story of her adoption. Quite interesting! Most of the issues they had were related to travel and lack of food available in the middle of nights and snow storms. Genya had had giardia and some other issues, but he's fine now. He was a normal happy healthy kid.
So then we went to Candy's house to pick up the dogs. I knew she had to be wealthy because not only does she have 12 kids, she talks about the vacation house on the shore that they all go to yearly and her trips to Vietnam yearly, etc. So we are driving along their street looking for the house number 1000 when we see "Brittany's Hope Foundation" sign next to a big colonial house. I said "Oh that must be it, there's the foundation sign." So we passed it looking for a place to turn around and get back to it. As we drive we're passing a big grass field surrounded by a big fence, with nice trees and water and other things. Then we see a GIANT!!! stone house. Jason goes "WHOA! Look at that house. I wanna live THERE!" I admired it too, and noticed the mailbox as we passed. Number 1000, it said. I gasped and told Jason THAT was Candy's house. They in fact own both, and a pool house bigger than our house. Gorgeous place. So we parked next to 7 other cars and went in to look for Lorraine, who is Candy's oldest adopted daughter, 30 years old. Lorraine is watching the 4 youngest while Candy's away with the rest in Vietnam. We couldn't figure out where we should go announce ourselves, so we walked to the back where we saw two beautiful girls (one black, one Asian), waving at us happily. We met the dogs back there with them and were directed inside to a marble and granite covered kitchen where we met Lorraine. We each used a different bathroom, since we'd now been gone from home for 3 1/2 hours, and particularly liked the idea of using their bathrooms (not much different than Andy has to go to the bathroom in any place he goes to check it out). Then we left, still admiring the house ("Stone Gables" as it's called) as we drove away.
We told Lorraine how much we couldn't wait to meet Candy because since I'd talked to her before we'd decided to adopt from Ukraine. She told us how nice that was and congratulated us. I had told Candy when I first talked to her and found out about what she does that Jason and I had talked about adopting internationally before. So anyway, it will be interesting to finally meet her face to face in a couple weeks.
We mailed in our 600A form yesterday, so the next step is getting a home study done. I'll keep you updated.
Love,
Molly
As it turned out one of the families in PA that has worked with Cathy Harris before (independent adoption helper mentioned in my first post) lives about 10 minutes from Candy, and offered to have us visit anytime to meet her 5 1/2 year old son she adopted from Ukraine 4 years ago. So since we were going out there anyway, we arranged to stop in for a bit. As soon as we got there, Genya (Ukrainian way for saying "Gene" we found out) can running out toward us with a packet of paper saying "This is about me and my picture from Ukraine!!!" He was so funny. He reminded me a little of Tristan, he had the same way of saying words with L's and R's, too. Very cute. Didn't have Tristan's inflection at the end of his sentences, though (see Volvo commercial with little girl saying "and I don't know what it IIIiiiIs"). But anyway, we sat on Audrie's couch for an hour asking occasional questions but mostly hearing the story of her adoption. Quite interesting! Most of the issues they had were related to travel and lack of food available in the middle of nights and snow storms. Genya had had giardia and some other issues, but he's fine now. He was a normal happy healthy kid.
So then we went to Candy's house to pick up the dogs. I knew she had to be wealthy because not only does she have 12 kids, she talks about the vacation house on the shore that they all go to yearly and her trips to Vietnam yearly, etc. So we are driving along their street looking for the house number 1000 when we see "Brittany's Hope Foundation" sign next to a big colonial house. I said "Oh that must be it, there's the foundation sign." So we passed it looking for a place to turn around and get back to it. As we drive we're passing a big grass field surrounded by a big fence, with nice trees and water and other things. Then we see a GIANT!!! stone house. Jason goes "WHOA! Look at that house. I wanna live THERE!" I admired it too, and noticed the mailbox as we passed. Number 1000, it said. I gasped and told Jason THAT was Candy's house. They in fact own both, and a pool house bigger than our house. Gorgeous place. So we parked next to 7 other cars and went in to look for Lorraine, who is Candy's oldest adopted daughter, 30 years old. Lorraine is watching the 4 youngest while Candy's away with the rest in Vietnam. We couldn't figure out where we should go announce ourselves, so we walked to the back where we saw two beautiful girls (one black, one Asian), waving at us happily. We met the dogs back there with them and were directed inside to a marble and granite covered kitchen where we met Lorraine. We each used a different bathroom, since we'd now been gone from home for 3 1/2 hours, and particularly liked the idea of using their bathrooms (not much different than Andy has to go to the bathroom in any place he goes to check it out). Then we left, still admiring the house ("Stone Gables" as it's called) as we drove away.
We told Lorraine how much we couldn't wait to meet Candy because since I'd talked to her before we'd decided to adopt from Ukraine. She told us how nice that was and congratulated us. I had told Candy when I first talked to her and found out about what she does that Jason and I had talked about adopting internationally before. So anyway, it will be interesting to finally meet her face to face in a couple weeks.
We mailed in our 600A form yesterday, so the next step is getting a home study done. I'll keep you updated.
Love,
Molly
Monday, June 4, 2007
Decided
We read and read and read, and talked and prayed and read, and called people and wrote people and listened endlessly to stories and advice... And then we added up the number of real reasons not to adopt a child from Ukraine. And the sum of this addition added up to a big fat... fraction. Certainly nothing compared to the big numbers on the "real reasons TO adopt" side. So, as you can see, it's really just a mathematical decision.
;)
So tomorrow our I-600A form gets mailed to US Citizens and Immigration Services along with the first part of our expenses. Next week we start our home study process. Hopefully we'll be able to cover the first few weeks of the process with this month's surplus (assuming there is one based on the current prospectus!).
Something could still occur in the process to cancel the plans, so don't rejoice over niece/nephew/grandchild/little-person-to-babysit yet. As of right now, though... it's a plan.
Thanks again to everyone for your advice and excitement. Makes us feel like we're not alone once this gets really stressful.
Love,
Molly
;)
So tomorrow our I-600A form gets mailed to US Citizens and Immigration Services along with the first part of our expenses. Next week we start our home study process. Hopefully we'll be able to cover the first few weeks of the process with this month's surplus (assuming there is one based on the current prospectus!).
Something could still occur in the process to cancel the plans, so don't rejoice over niece/nephew/grandchild/little-person-to-babysit yet. As of right now, though... it's a plan.
Thanks again to everyone for your advice and excitement. Makes us feel like we're not alone once this gets really stressful.
Love,
Molly
Saturday, June 2, 2007
Words spoken at the right time
Just wanted to post a little note to thank you all for your support and approval so far. It means a lot to have people we care about be all for our decisions, even if they are our decisions. It's a lot easier to have excitement surrounding us rather than excessive worry and tension over what we might decide to do. The responses from you all have been extremely helpful, and some surprisingly positive. It's so nice to hear from other people that this is a good thing to do. Acceptance, approval, and support are things that can technically be gone without in order to get something done, but having them make it so much easier and more enjoyable.
That's not to say that we don't want advice on your concerns or worries about what could go wrong, what to avoid, etc. So if you want to express something, please do.
We love you all and just wanted to say thank you.
Molly
That's not to say that we don't want advice on your concerns or worries about what could go wrong, what to avoid, etc. So if you want to express something, please do.
We love you all and just wanted to say thank you.
Molly
Friday, June 1, 2007
5 days into the research
So, post number one!
First of all, I want you all to know that we haven't made any decision yet - true to our cautious-while-open-minded nature, but we want everyone close to us to be aware of what we're doing and what we decide as we go along. If we decide to do this, we want everyone to be as excited as we will be, and believe that we're doing a good thing.
In my process of researching, I found that so many recent adoption stories are kept track of through a blog, not only for the families' benefit, but for information tracking for the adopters.
Here's what's going on so far, and what has happened up to this point...
Last Sunday night Jason and I were watching Dateline, on purpose because of a story that was to appear. It was about the Salem family, who oddly enough lives about 45 minutes away from us. Several years ago they adopted twin - a boy and a girl - babies from Russia. They wanted to have children that way vs. biologically so they could save a child that already lives. Then later they find out that their children have 4 other brothers and sisters - two other sets of twins. A set of boys and a set of girls. Yes one family with three sets of twins. So they wanted to adopt the other 4 kids to keep them together. It was a very touching story, covering all the ups and downs of international adoption.
Jason and I have thought about and discussed international adoption, particularly from Russia, several times as as option when we were ready. That story got the fire going again and we promptly spent every available minute from that point on researching. It's something we had thought about in the past and decided we'd try to find out if it was even possible now. Back when we talked about it other times it was scrapped as an idea because of the expense. To adopt from Russia it costs at LEAST $30k, usually more like $50k. Just not an option for us. Plus they make it so hard with the process - in fact adoption from Russia is closed to the US currently anyway.
So within a few minutes of research I found out that Ukrainian adoption is not only easier, available, and just as needy, but a lot less money. Still a lot of money, but not nearly as much. It can cost anywhere from $12k to $20k, done independent of an agency (more on that later). We figured out with the fees in our state it would cost probably about $15-18k for us, the range due to the cost of travel/possible extra expenses while in Ukraine being uncertain.
So onward with Ukrainian research we went. We can across Cathy Harris' website (www.Ukrainianangels.org), who helps with independent Ukrainian adoption. Independent means without an agency, which is really the way to go with Ukraine because agencies can't do much for you because of Ukrainian laws. They can't help you once you're there, they just tell you how to prepare your dossier (paperwork for adoption application to be sent to Ukraine), which you can find out on your own, or through someone like Cathy. Cathy helps with anything you need to know and then sets you up with known reliable people in Ukraine (translator, etc.), helps you with your dossier, reviews it for issues and needed changes, and lots of that kind of stuff.
Moving on... Now we needed to really focus on all the pros and cons of doing this so we know if it's entirely emotional or if it's really a good idea. Of course we never do anything just based on stubborn desire, we have to know what we're doing and that it's really going to work. We have to memorize as much as possible about it and justify it to ourselves before we do it, as if we were trying to convince skeptics.
Pros to having a child are obvious and not debated among most, but generally include extra facts such as that the cons to child raising are generally easier on us than most people - we both work at home and the time constraints, though large, would be easier than they are for most people. And many other things which don't need to be written about now. :)
Pros to adoption include the desire to help a needed child, save one if we can. It has been something I've analyzed within myself - demanding to prove to myself that I wouldn't be doing this to make myself feel good, and that it is something I really want to do. But it really is something that makes me nearly cry to think about how I could help - and think about how the kids live over there. Jason has liked this idea longer than I have, but drops it if I have no interest. He never pressures me about anything. But lately we're both very emotional and thoughtful about it. If only you've read the stories we have. It's been on my mind for the last year or so pretty heavily, and blew up when we saw that show!
I realize, over the course of years thinking about how a child effects your life, how much would change permanently. Though my levels of being okay with this go up and down, I'm generally not bothered by it at all.
We are tentatively thinking of a child somewhere between 2-4. Now before you get all bent out of shape about the fact that we don't want an infant and start making a mental list of the warnings about getting a kid that age group, don't worry. We've thought of and researched them all. We're aware, don't worry.
Cons to adoption include, obviously, health concerns. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. One of the reasons we like the idea of a child that is a little older (say 4 perhaps) is that there is a little more you can tell about their health in all 3 of those ways. However, they are more likely to have health problems the older they are because of the greater chance of being in an orphanage for longer. So the pros and cons balance with that probably. So then it's just an issue of being careful. Having her checked by a trustworthy doctor before we decide for sure, watching her interact, talking to her, etc.
The biggest issues of health in Ukraine are fetal alcohol syndrome, and malnutrition. Malnutrition and issues resulting from it are relatively easy to fix. FAS usually has noticeable symptoms for that age group, so it can be avoided.
Of all the stories on adoption I've already heard, all the people I've already talked to at length, all the info I've scoured through endlessly... This is the main thing I've come across the most: Child was diagnosed with something. Heart murmur, developmental delays, parasites, on and on... And then turn out to have - nothing. They are diagnostically trigger happy over there and no one knows why. Obviously there are a lot of seriously unhealthy kids. HIV, TB, serious parasites, holes in hearts, cerebral palsy, etc. And then other things that are fixable but still no fun - cleft lip/palate, club feet, cross eyes... Those are all things that are detectable and will be known about before deciding and bringing home a child. Of course some things can happen or be found out about after adoption, we're not stupid - we know the possibilities. But generally speaking the risk is lower than it would originally seem when you hear horror stories of sickly kids being brought home. Still, we'll be careful.
Of course it's possible to be surprised, after adopting, of some serious issue. Mental or physical. And that's something we'd have to just do our best to avoid or be okay with dealing with a surprise like that. We'd have to make sure we're okay with the risks and challenges we'd face as a couple and as a whole family. This has been one reason I've delayed having children for so long - fears of unknown things that cause drama that I just didn't want. I deal with stress well, but I don't like it!
However, I have come to more agreeable terms with the possiblity of that kind of stress. With anything in life, you have to deal with possible things going wrong. Usually things turn out fine. When they don't, they will be someday.
Then there are behavioral problems. Those are also generally noticeable immediately, particularly in kids older than 2. Even FAS usually has physical signs.
We're confident, especially due to the experiences of others, that we will be able to find what we consider perfect. Healthy enough, happy enough, and wanting us.
As for the process, it doesn't seem that hard really. It's a lot of work - much like preparing to buy a house. Paperwork gathering, proving via a social worker homestudy that you're ok to adopt in various ways, lots of notarizing and swearing you're telling the truth, and then comes the hard part - actually going! If we decide to do this, you will all have to come to terms with the worry about us being in Ukraine anywhere from 3-6 weeks! But again - we know what to expect. Most people say it's dirt poor in many areas, but places like Kiev (aka Kyiv) are like 1950's NYC as far as the way people act. Friendly, honest, and helpful for the most part. Worth the trouble, they all say, in the end.
The only obstacle we haven't completely overcome so far is money. We don't want to take out a loan or refinance or anything like that. This is hard enough without going through that kind of irritation, especially because we are no-doc people because of the home business and that means that the interest rates are higher and loans harder to get. We can maybe cover the first few months of the process by stringent saving and conserving. About $7k's worth in about 5 months (EEK... now that I see it on paper I'm not so sure!). The rest- lost income for up to 6 weeks, and about $10k for the actual trip and adoption, that we're not sure how we can save it in time. According to the time lines I've seen so far, the process from start to travel usually takes about 6-9 months. Which puts us at the end of this year or early next if we go as soon as we're allowed and if we started now.
So that brings us to 5 days after the beginning of our truly serious research. We are by no means 100% decided. We are still open to opinions and viewpoints of others. We don't know yet if we even can do it financially. But we think we have a shot at it more than a lot of other people who have done it, and figure there are places we can turn if we get in a jam - even if that means our "untouchable unless you're dying" savings. Not really our nature to do that, but hey, this is quite a different situation.
All for now, my fingers are getting tired!
Love,
Molly
First of all, I want you all to know that we haven't made any decision yet - true to our cautious-while-open-minded nature, but we want everyone close to us to be aware of what we're doing and what we decide as we go along. If we decide to do this, we want everyone to be as excited as we will be, and believe that we're doing a good thing.
In my process of researching, I found that so many recent adoption stories are kept track of through a blog, not only for the families' benefit, but for information tracking for the adopters.
Here's what's going on so far, and what has happened up to this point...
Last Sunday night Jason and I were watching Dateline, on purpose because of a story that was to appear. It was about the Salem family, who oddly enough lives about 45 minutes away from us. Several years ago they adopted twin - a boy and a girl - babies from Russia. They wanted to have children that way vs. biologically so they could save a child that already lives. Then later they find out that their children have 4 other brothers and sisters - two other sets of twins. A set of boys and a set of girls. Yes one family with three sets of twins. So they wanted to adopt the other 4 kids to keep them together. It was a very touching story, covering all the ups and downs of international adoption.
Jason and I have thought about and discussed international adoption, particularly from Russia, several times as as option when we were ready. That story got the fire going again and we promptly spent every available minute from that point on researching. It's something we had thought about in the past and decided we'd try to find out if it was even possible now. Back when we talked about it other times it was scrapped as an idea because of the expense. To adopt from Russia it costs at LEAST $30k, usually more like $50k. Just not an option for us. Plus they make it so hard with the process - in fact adoption from Russia is closed to the US currently anyway.
So within a few minutes of research I found out that Ukrainian adoption is not only easier, available, and just as needy, but a lot less money. Still a lot of money, but not nearly as much. It can cost anywhere from $12k to $20k, done independent of an agency (more on that later). We figured out with the fees in our state it would cost probably about $15-18k for us, the range due to the cost of travel/possible extra expenses while in Ukraine being uncertain.
So onward with Ukrainian research we went. We can across Cathy Harris' website (www.Ukrainianangels.org), who helps with independent Ukrainian adoption. Independent means without an agency, which is really the way to go with Ukraine because agencies can't do much for you because of Ukrainian laws. They can't help you once you're there, they just tell you how to prepare your dossier (paperwork for adoption application to be sent to Ukraine), which you can find out on your own, or through someone like Cathy. Cathy helps with anything you need to know and then sets you up with known reliable people in Ukraine (translator, etc.), helps you with your dossier, reviews it for issues and needed changes, and lots of that kind of stuff.
Moving on... Now we needed to really focus on all the pros and cons of doing this so we know if it's entirely emotional or if it's really a good idea. Of course we never do anything just based on stubborn desire, we have to know what we're doing and that it's really going to work. We have to memorize as much as possible about it and justify it to ourselves before we do it, as if we were trying to convince skeptics.
Pros to having a child are obvious and not debated among most, but generally include extra facts such as that the cons to child raising are generally easier on us than most people - we both work at home and the time constraints, though large, would be easier than they are for most people. And many other things which don't need to be written about now. :)
Pros to adoption include the desire to help a needed child, save one if we can. It has been something I've analyzed within myself - demanding to prove to myself that I wouldn't be doing this to make myself feel good, and that it is something I really want to do. But it really is something that makes me nearly cry to think about how I could help - and think about how the kids live over there. Jason has liked this idea longer than I have, but drops it if I have no interest. He never pressures me about anything. But lately we're both very emotional and thoughtful about it. If only you've read the stories we have. It's been on my mind for the last year or so pretty heavily, and blew up when we saw that show!
I realize, over the course of years thinking about how a child effects your life, how much would change permanently. Though my levels of being okay with this go up and down, I'm generally not bothered by it at all.
We are tentatively thinking of a child somewhere between 2-4. Now before you get all bent out of shape about the fact that we don't want an infant and start making a mental list of the warnings about getting a kid that age group, don't worry. We've thought of and researched them all. We're aware, don't worry.
Cons to adoption include, obviously, health concerns. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. One of the reasons we like the idea of a child that is a little older (say 4 perhaps) is that there is a little more you can tell about their health in all 3 of those ways. However, they are more likely to have health problems the older they are because of the greater chance of being in an orphanage for longer. So the pros and cons balance with that probably. So then it's just an issue of being careful. Having her checked by a trustworthy doctor before we decide for sure, watching her interact, talking to her, etc.
The biggest issues of health in Ukraine are fetal alcohol syndrome, and malnutrition. Malnutrition and issues resulting from it are relatively easy to fix. FAS usually has noticeable symptoms for that age group, so it can be avoided.
Of all the stories on adoption I've already heard, all the people I've already talked to at length, all the info I've scoured through endlessly... This is the main thing I've come across the most: Child was diagnosed with something. Heart murmur, developmental delays, parasites, on and on... And then turn out to have - nothing. They are diagnostically trigger happy over there and no one knows why. Obviously there are a lot of seriously unhealthy kids. HIV, TB, serious parasites, holes in hearts, cerebral palsy, etc. And then other things that are fixable but still no fun - cleft lip/palate, club feet, cross eyes... Those are all things that are detectable and will be known about before deciding and bringing home a child. Of course some things can happen or be found out about after adoption, we're not stupid - we know the possibilities. But generally speaking the risk is lower than it would originally seem when you hear horror stories of sickly kids being brought home. Still, we'll be careful.
Of course it's possible to be surprised, after adopting, of some serious issue. Mental or physical. And that's something we'd have to just do our best to avoid or be okay with dealing with a surprise like that. We'd have to make sure we're okay with the risks and challenges we'd face as a couple and as a whole family. This has been one reason I've delayed having children for so long - fears of unknown things that cause drama that I just didn't want. I deal with stress well, but I don't like it!
However, I have come to more agreeable terms with the possiblity of that kind of stress. With anything in life, you have to deal with possible things going wrong. Usually things turn out fine. When they don't, they will be someday.
Then there are behavioral problems. Those are also generally noticeable immediately, particularly in kids older than 2. Even FAS usually has physical signs.
We're confident, especially due to the experiences of others, that we will be able to find what we consider perfect. Healthy enough, happy enough, and wanting us.
As for the process, it doesn't seem that hard really. It's a lot of work - much like preparing to buy a house. Paperwork gathering, proving via a social worker homestudy that you're ok to adopt in various ways, lots of notarizing and swearing you're telling the truth, and then comes the hard part - actually going! If we decide to do this, you will all have to come to terms with the worry about us being in Ukraine anywhere from 3-6 weeks! But again - we know what to expect. Most people say it's dirt poor in many areas, but places like Kiev (aka Kyiv) are like 1950's NYC as far as the way people act. Friendly, honest, and helpful for the most part. Worth the trouble, they all say, in the end.
The only obstacle we haven't completely overcome so far is money. We don't want to take out a loan or refinance or anything like that. This is hard enough without going through that kind of irritation, especially because we are no-doc people because of the home business and that means that the interest rates are higher and loans harder to get. We can maybe cover the first few months of the process by stringent saving and conserving. About $7k's worth in about 5 months (EEK... now that I see it on paper I'm not so sure!). The rest- lost income for up to 6 weeks, and about $10k for the actual trip and adoption, that we're not sure how we can save it in time. According to the time lines I've seen so far, the process from start to travel usually takes about 6-9 months. Which puts us at the end of this year or early next if we go as soon as we're allowed and if we started now.
So that brings us to 5 days after the beginning of our truly serious research. We are by no means 100% decided. We are still open to opinions and viewpoints of others. We don't know yet if we even can do it financially. But we think we have a shot at it more than a lot of other people who have done it, and figure there are places we can turn if we get in a jam - even if that means our "untouchable unless you're dying" savings. Not really our nature to do that, but hey, this is quite a different situation.
All for now, my fingers are getting tired!
Love,
Molly
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