Only a total of 5 comments on the last post?! Come on, did I turn away all our fans by neglecting to have any updates for awhile??? Get with it people! Make me feel needed!
The latest has basically consisted of more waiting and hopes being raised and disappointments soon following. Not really any good news to report, but an update I suppose could be given nonetheless.
We decided, with the lack of frequent updates to the Estonia photo listing, to un-rule out domestic adoption. At this point we don't really care where the child currently lives, as long as we can adopt them with reasonable limits on chaos during the process. Too much to ask for? REASONABLE chaos? If we thought the international adoption process was irritating, disorganized and full of people who don't seem to care, try right here in our own national stomping grounds! We've come to the conclusion that the first rule for anyone attempting to adopt is to assume the following three things:
1) Nearly no one will/can help you, except what you make them do, even if you are paying them for the service. No one works to find a child that will be a good match for you.
2) Everybody lies. (Which all "House" fans already know.)
3) No one really acts like they care if you, as a perfect adoptive parent, will get a child.
We've been scouring the state photo listings for the last couple weeks or more (lost track), which is a chore because they all have different websites, some states with more than one, and they all have different rules for finding out more info on a "waiting child" you see listed. They all require an up to date home study, so at least we have that. Some require that your social worker make contact with the child's case worker directly (case worker says "I ain't speaking to no stinking adoptive family! Can't be bothered... So have an incompetent social worker who couldn't care less about the adoptive families contact me instead so I can blow everyone off.") Note: this is not to say that OUR social worker (Stan) doesn't care. He does. But not caring is not uncommon.
There have been at least 10 kids that we would consider adopting, depending on info we acquire about them. Some we have not been able to learn squat about. Some we would call about when they look nice from the picture and description, and then call and hear a laundry list of about 100 special needs (emotional and mental mostly). Not just one or two, but the worst things you can think of behaviorally. Unfortunately we can't risk having a child who will murder all our animals just to get their way. Or a child that is at great risk of "maybe never loving anyone.... ever!"
THEN the ones that actually turn out to be good... Guess what? Even if they're just listed, they are almost always already taken. Or the case worker is not accepting anymore home studies for consideration.
Example of our most recent and most severe disappointment:
Last Thursday afternoon a listing popped up on the Arkansas photo listing page. (The listing will henceforth be referred to as "the listing" - as I have an extreme aversion currently to divulge any details about this failed attempt beyond the facts of the events that have led us to become so disgusted with the adoption process {even more than usual!}.)
This listing was perfect, relatively speaking. If we could have clicked "Buy it now", we would have without another thought (as long as there was a return policy for "not as described"). This listing was such that I could immediately picture "the listing" being part of our family. Living here... That hadn't happened yet with any other possibility. The listing even looked like me somewhat. LOL
Jason is the one that saw the listing and called me while I was out on an appointment. He gave me the contact info for the photo listing website so I could call them and get the case worker's contact info. I called them (20 minutes before they closed) and they said that the webmaster was working from home that day, the listing was just put up by her that afternoon, and they didn't have the case worker's contact info yet. He said I could call the next morning to find out.
Not being able to wait, when I got home I found the webmaster's email address (it was listed on the front page of the website in the sentence "If you encounter problems with this website, contact our webmaster.") and wrote begging for the case worker's info. Long shot, probably... But at 9pm that night she wrote back with the case worker's email and phone number.
I emailed the CW that night, definitely being the first who could have possibly gotten the information, hoping that would make a difference.
Friday morning I had Stan email the CW our home study. I called the CW's phone number when the office opened, and was disappointed to find out that the CW was not in the office that day. So then we had to wait in anxiety and anticipation all weekend until yesterday morning when I could try again. But, again, she was out of the office yesterday for the whole day.
This morning, once again, I call. Finally I get in touch with the CW. I explained that I got in touch with her as soon as the information was available because we were just so anxious and excited to learn more about this listing, and that my SW sent her the home study by email on Friday, and I wanted to know if she got it and if we would be considered for this listing. She asked if she had told me to send her the home study, and I said no. I told her I wanted her to have it already just in case. She said that they were no longer taking home studies for the listing, that they had narrowed it down to two home studies already, and that they planned to make a decision on a match today. I asked how that could be, since the listing was just put up Thursday afternoon. She said the listing has been on a completely different website ("Heart Gallery" - which some regions of some states have, which are professionally taken photos of waiting children, and are not listed on state photo listing websites) for several months and they already had gotten many home studies for the listing. I told her that I was very disappointed because we did everything possible to find out about it as soon as it went up, and was there any way our home study could be considered, too. She said (probably the most anxiety-inducing statement she could have made) that she would read the home study and if it was better than the two they had narrowed down, then yes. She said if this didn't work out, they had others that were similar and not listed on the websites yet, and she would let me know who we matched well with.
So she left a glimmer of hope to ensure our holding on to the end of a tiny little unraveling string that was already cut, torn, broken and stolen by other families.
What's so irritating, besides the obvious, about this particular situation is that we didn't find out about this listing a week or two too late. We find out the DAY that it's too late. If we found out a week from now, I would have called and she would have said "Sorry we've already chosen a family for this listing", and I would have said, "Oh... Thanks anyway... *sniff*" and hung up. We find out right when it seems like it could have gone the other way: "Oh, you're perfect for this listing, we're so glad you contacted us today because we were going to make a decision today!"
If it does turn out differently and this works out - it would be interesting because if things fell into place any differently up to this point, then we would be definitely without any hope. But at this point, even my optimistic and positive personality is left wondering if a little unlikely hope is worse than just knowing for sure.
The worst part, I think, is that this kind of thing happening yet again (even if we tried hard not to get our hopes up about a certain listing) makes us want to give up. It's really terrible that the system is set up to discourage and eliminate desires of people who have a relatively great situation for needy kids.
So maybe, as past disappointments have turned out, this will turn out to be a blessing in disguise. I don't know. I like to think so! I'd love to write a post here that is either good news or something other than simple facts someday! I keep reminding myself (and Jason!) that we found this "perfect" listing within a relatively short period of time looking at the US listings. It only seems like forever because we've been at the whole process for more than 9 months. But it's hard to keep looking, preparing for disappointment, because it makes you force yourself to care less, which makes you less interested overall, which means it may not ever happen.
OK commenters, loyal fans, and the disloyal ones too... Ready, set, go!
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Friday, March 14, 2008
Going once, going twice, sold?
Update continued!
Here is what we know so far about Estonia and the adoption program there...
The things that are different about the Estonian program from the Ukrainian program.
1) Ukraine doesn't allow pre-selection. This can be a good thing compared to many other adoption programs that are 100% pre-selection. For example, Russia's program is pre-selection... well sort of. With Russia, (the following is all hearsay, so this may not always be the case) the family decides what they want to adopt - i.e. 3 year old girl. They submit their dossier to Russia, they wait for a referral. Their referral consists of a name and an age. They go to Russia to meet their referral, spending a couple weeks there. From what I understand there is a lot of red tape, so every trip there takes a long time. If the referral doesn't work out, the family goes home to wait for another referral. If it does work out, they go home, wait for the process to be completed (a few months) and go back for anywhere from 2-5 weeks, to finalize and go home. This is not the kind of pre-selection I like. This is partially, I imagine, why the Russian program costs so much money.
Estonia is a pre-selection program, but not like Russia's. You choose a child based on a photo listing, which is pretty much exactly what it sounds like. You learn about the child while you're still at home. Videos, medical records, etc. Whatever is available. If there is a child you're interested in, the agency puts a hold on that child until you can meet them. You are supposed to go for a preview trip to visit them before you decide for sure. You only have to be there for 5 hours, so the trip is quick. If needed, more than one child can be visited during that trip if there is another you're interested in that is available, if the first doesn't work out. If you want to adopt that child, you go home and you finish paperwork. One of the big advantages is that your dossier doesn't have to be complete yet. You can preview before the dossier is done. So we don't have to get all our paperwork completed and have everything say "Estonia" on it before we actually choose a child.
After the paperwork is done, you go back to Estonia to finalize, which takes a week or two.
So 2) is that the trips are much shorter, even though two is generally required instead of one trip. Still cheaper for us. Both of us being gone for 6 weeks is a big deal.
3) Only one of us has to go on both trips. One of us could stay home. We will probably both go if/when it comes time to go meet a child. But to finalize, I could stay here to keep working and income coming in, and Jason could go finalize.
4) The program is much smaller and simpler. There are only 6 main orphanages in the country, only 10 international adoptions per year (their quota is 30). That can mean that when children appear on the photo listing that there may be competition, but it doesn't really seem like so much. In fact the program doesn't seem to be that well known. But I can see why I guess... There are no babies ever available, or at least it's very rare. That's fine for us, but not for many people. Ukraine does about 1500 international adoptions yearly. So people would imagine that with Ukraine they would have more of a selection. They'd be wrong right now though! LOL Plus the one-trip process seems to be advantage with Ukraine vs. having to go twice.
5) Their paperwork requirements are much easier to accomplish. It's pretty simple.
6) The country's culture is more like Western Europe even though it's in E. E. I'm not really totally familiar with all the differences that involves, but I'm told that's a good thing when it comes to visiting and finalizing adoption and dealing with the gov't.
7) The cost is the same, and more potential to be less than Ukraine, including travel. Ukraine has the potential of being more $ than planned.
8) You know how much you'll have to pay for "international fees" (finalizing documents, court fees, translator, etc.) before you even choose the child. The fees are set based on the region a child is in and whether the child is older, is a sibling set, or has special needs. It's cheaper for that child the less likely they are to be adopted.
9) There is only one agency in the US that is licensed to work with Estonia. So there is only one website to check for updated photo listings. There is one group of people in the US who run the adoption program in the US, which means you know exactly who to contact and they hopefully know what they're doing. They are in SC, and seem to be nice people. Straightforward, detailed, and easy to contact. Having only one agency allowed to do this to me is an advantage. It's less chaotic.
So overall the advantages are that we can choose a child and know the costs involved before we set foot out of the country. We won't go over there for 6 weeks, spend all our money and come home childless. The only possibility of waste is a quick trip over there to visit a child who doesn't work out. We'll know who our child is going to be for months before we come home with her/them. We can plan a little better.
It may take awhile before our child shows up on the website and we get going. But I'd rather have to wait for a program that I'm comfortable with, seems easier and simpler, less expensive and more certain (even though nothing is certain in the adoption process), than wait and wait for who knows how long for a system that is in total chaos and doesn't seem to care about the adopting families.
Currently there are a couple of sibling sets we would consider, but they are not yet legally free for adoption. They are still waiting to receive their files with their medical info and everything, and be given permission from Estonia to officially adopt them out. The original person who told me about this program said that there are usually a few new kids on there every month or two, and that kids don't stay on there with "administrative holds" or "not legally free for adoption yet" for very long. So we'll see how long it takes.
If this doesn't work out, there may be other options. We're still researching Estonia and not completely sold on it yet, just for the sake of not jumping into things too quickly. But that's one of the things I like about it. We don't have to be sold on the country's program until we see a child that we love.
Promise to keep you all posted. :)
Love,
Molly
Here is what we know so far about Estonia and the adoption program there...
The things that are different about the Estonian program from the Ukrainian program.
1) Ukraine doesn't allow pre-selection. This can be a good thing compared to many other adoption programs that are 100% pre-selection. For example, Russia's program is pre-selection... well sort of. With Russia, (the following is all hearsay, so this may not always be the case) the family decides what they want to adopt - i.e. 3 year old girl. They submit their dossier to Russia, they wait for a referral. Their referral consists of a name and an age. They go to Russia to meet their referral, spending a couple weeks there. From what I understand there is a lot of red tape, so every trip there takes a long time. If the referral doesn't work out, the family goes home to wait for another referral. If it does work out, they go home, wait for the process to be completed (a few months) and go back for anywhere from 2-5 weeks, to finalize and go home. This is not the kind of pre-selection I like. This is partially, I imagine, why the Russian program costs so much money.
Estonia is a pre-selection program, but not like Russia's. You choose a child based on a photo listing, which is pretty much exactly what it sounds like. You learn about the child while you're still at home. Videos, medical records, etc. Whatever is available. If there is a child you're interested in, the agency puts a hold on that child until you can meet them. You are supposed to go for a preview trip to visit them before you decide for sure. You only have to be there for 5 hours, so the trip is quick. If needed, more than one child can be visited during that trip if there is another you're interested in that is available, if the first doesn't work out. If you want to adopt that child, you go home and you finish paperwork. One of the big advantages is that your dossier doesn't have to be complete yet. You can preview before the dossier is done. So we don't have to get all our paperwork completed and have everything say "Estonia" on it before we actually choose a child.
After the paperwork is done, you go back to Estonia to finalize, which takes a week or two.
So 2) is that the trips are much shorter, even though two is generally required instead of one trip. Still cheaper for us. Both of us being gone for 6 weeks is a big deal.
3) Only one of us has to go on both trips. One of us could stay home. We will probably both go if/when it comes time to go meet a child. But to finalize, I could stay here to keep working and income coming in, and Jason could go finalize.
4) The program is much smaller and simpler. There are only 6 main orphanages in the country, only 10 international adoptions per year (their quota is 30). That can mean that when children appear on the photo listing that there may be competition, but it doesn't really seem like so much. In fact the program doesn't seem to be that well known. But I can see why I guess... There are no babies ever available, or at least it's very rare. That's fine for us, but not for many people. Ukraine does about 1500 international adoptions yearly. So people would imagine that with Ukraine they would have more of a selection. They'd be wrong right now though! LOL Plus the one-trip process seems to be advantage with Ukraine vs. having to go twice.
5) Their paperwork requirements are much easier to accomplish. It's pretty simple.
6) The country's culture is more like Western Europe even though it's in E. E. I'm not really totally familiar with all the differences that involves, but I'm told that's a good thing when it comes to visiting and finalizing adoption and dealing with the gov't.
7) The cost is the same, and more potential to be less than Ukraine, including travel. Ukraine has the potential of being more $ than planned.
8) You know how much you'll have to pay for "international fees" (finalizing documents, court fees, translator, etc.) before you even choose the child. The fees are set based on the region a child is in and whether the child is older, is a sibling set, or has special needs. It's cheaper for that child the less likely they are to be adopted.
9) There is only one agency in the US that is licensed to work with Estonia. So there is only one website to check for updated photo listings. There is one group of people in the US who run the adoption program in the US, which means you know exactly who to contact and they hopefully know what they're doing. They are in SC, and seem to be nice people. Straightforward, detailed, and easy to contact. Having only one agency allowed to do this to me is an advantage. It's less chaotic.
So overall the advantages are that we can choose a child and know the costs involved before we set foot out of the country. We won't go over there for 6 weeks, spend all our money and come home childless. The only possibility of waste is a quick trip over there to visit a child who doesn't work out. We'll know who our child is going to be for months before we come home with her/them. We can plan a little better.
It may take awhile before our child shows up on the website and we get going. But I'd rather have to wait for a program that I'm comfortable with, seems easier and simpler, less expensive and more certain (even though nothing is certain in the adoption process), than wait and wait for who knows how long for a system that is in total chaos and doesn't seem to care about the adopting families.
Currently there are a couple of sibling sets we would consider, but they are not yet legally free for adoption. They are still waiting to receive their files with their medical info and everything, and be given permission from Estonia to officially adopt them out. The original person who told me about this program said that there are usually a few new kids on there every month or two, and that kids don't stay on there with "administrative holds" or "not legally free for adoption yet" for very long. So we'll see how long it takes.
If this doesn't work out, there may be other options. We're still researching Estonia and not completely sold on it yet, just for the sake of not jumping into things too quickly. But that's one of the things I like about it. We don't have to be sold on the country's program until we see a child that we love.
Promise to keep you all posted. :)
Love,
Molly
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Not yet. But you ASKED for it! Long update...
(Not reread for typos and corrections... sorry for any errors!)
Sorry for no updates in a really long time! It seemed like for months, nothing was happening. Waiting... Waiting... Waiting. Now, we're still waiting but not in the same way.
Condensing the details as much as possible...
As a review of what occurred over the last 8 months with trying to get our home study done, remember our SW (social worker) Dan left abruptly and no one let us know. We got in touch with someone finally on our new SW's day. At that point we had been 5 months into the home study that should have taken 2 months to complete. Then we told Stan the new SW what to do to complete the home study because he'd never done an international home study before. It was finally completed at the end of January (8 month point). The next step was for him to send it to the state USCIS (US Citizen's and Immigration Services) office to be matched with our original adoption application (form I-600a). We waited 5 weeks, waiting for our approval letter (form I-171H) from the state. At the time we were supposed to receive the form, instead we got a letter from Stan saying that USCIS sent the home study back to him, saying there was no I-600a on file for us! He asked if I filed one. I told him, again, that I had, they cashed my check, and I had a confirmation letter from them.
I called the USCIS local office and they found it without a problem by having me spell Jason's last name. I bet you can guess (those who don't already know the story...) what the problem was???? I went home, looked at a copy of the home study that Stan sent me a couple weeks before, and what do you know?! Jason's name had an extra O. Common mistake, probably. But the most important correctly spelled word in the whole home study!!!! So I overnighted a copy of the home study that I had to the USCIS along with a letter stating the correct spelling. Now we're at the back of the line. The guy there told me that the wait time now for the I-171H form was 6-8 weeks. So another month and a half or two month delay because of the home study.
That was the absolute last straw. I found out, at that point, who was the boss of former SW Dan and current SW Stan, and the name of the president of the agency. I figured out what their email addresses must be (based on the naming convention of Stan's email address), and sent a one and a half page complaint letter outlining in detail all of the above. (Anyone who hasn't and wants to read the letter for entertainment purposes, feel free to email me to ask for it!) I ended it with a hint: "I look forward to hearing from someone, with more than insincere apologies, as soon as possible. Feel free to forward this letter to anyone who can do something about this."
At this point I feel obligated to thank my parents for bestowing upon me the hereditary ability to write good complaint letters. :-D
The next day I got an email back from the president saying that she was very sorry, and needed a day or two to investigate, and that she would get back to me as soon as possible. She said that my experience was not in keeping with their standards and that they do, in fact, care about children (which I had questioned in my letter... After all, they were making an orphan wait longer for a home!).
Two weeks passed and nothing was heard. I wrote asking for an update during that time, too.
Then we come to this past Monday. Monday we found out a few things. First of all, after not hearing from the agency, we decided to write one more letter, more official, and if we still didn't hear anything by a deadline we made clear (next Monday), then we'd take them to court. I hadn't yet officially asked for a refund, so that's what needed to be done first. Second, we found out that Ukraine decided to impose a quota on international adoption dossiers that will be accepted for submission in 2008, and SOMEHOW that quota has ALREADY BEEN MET. Which means, unless they change their mind, even if we sent our dossier now it may not get submitted until next year. That knowledge made us even more angry at the agency for delaying us, as you can imagine. We hear that that new policy is unlikely to stick, but still. We're not likely to be optimistic about delays in this process!
Third, we found out what some families were experiencing recently when they have gone to Ukraine. Before I explain what's going on, you need to remember how the process works. After the dossier is sent, translated, submitted to the SDA in Ukraine (State Dept. of Adoptions), and accepted, the SDA sends an invitation to visit for a one hour appointment on a certain day. That day is usually a month or two out from when you get the letter. You travel, meet for that appointment and they show you files of available children. You choose one, they give you the referral, and you go to that orphanage to visit the child. If that child doesn't work out for you, you go back to the SDA, get another appointment for anywhere from a day to a few days later, look at files again and get another referral. You keep doing that until you find your child. Most adopt their first or second referral.
So... What we found out is that many many many families are going over there, after having spent all the money on translation of their dossier, travel, etc., go in for their SDA appointment, and are given only a few files, mostly of VERY sick kids. For example a few families told me that they were asking for a girl under 6, relatively healthy, and they'd be shown 5 files. Two would be boys, both very sick, two would be girls and older than what they wanted, and one would be a girl in their age range but somewhat sick. They'd take the best of the 5 (which seems like a mind game to me to get more sick kids adopted out) and go see her. Sometimes they'd get lucky and the file was wrong and the child was pretty healthy.
Then there are many other families who would go, ask to see a child under 5 or 6 that was relatively healthy (correctable or manageable issues) and they would say they didn't have any. They'd have to take older or sicker or siblings.
When I say very sick, by the way, I mean cerebral palsy, HIV, hepatitis, quadriplegic, or at least Downs, mental retardation, or severe FAS.
Currently we'd be happy with any child under 6, and maybe even siblings, with correctable or manageable issues. Heart murmur, malnourished, developmental delays, speech problems, crossed eyes, mild FAS, etc.
We heard that there are more families coming home without children because of the lack of options the SDA is giving them. They run out of time and money and go home.
Those things all considered, we quickly got uncomfortable with Ukraine, at least the way it's going now. The SDA has a new director and there are so many things changing, up in the air, etc. Most people on the message boards are saying that people who go over anytime in the new future would have a hard time getting a relatively healthy individual child under 8 and only slightly more likely if they take siblings.
We're really not willing to go through all of this, go over, and risk coming home with nothing after six weeks away from home and all of our money spent. So at the very least, we're backing off the process with Ukraine for now. Even if we didn't want to back off, looks like there's no reason to rush. Delays are the only thing certain right now with that program.
Back to the home study agency... I wrote a letter, after learning of all of this info and being even more angry at the mess we've been pushed into by the delay. After summarizing the difficulties and delays with the home study process, I wrote:
I sent this letter on Monday by certified mail. On Tuesday they received it. Tuesday afternoon I got a call from a man named Pete. He let me know that the president had received my letter, and he asked her if he could call me himself since he was one of the people involved in the fact finding investigation. He said that he whole-heartedly apologized, he couldn't believe that this happened, they thoroughly agree with our assessment of what occurred, were providing more training for their employees, and they would be happy to refund our money.
WOOHOO! So Tuesday was a better day than Monday.
So, in all fairness since they did resolve this eventually, we will refrain from badmouthing them all over the internet, of which I really am capable! ha ha
Whew... OK now here's the next news. (See, I'm making up for the lack of updates!)
There were posts on the message board during all this from a few people saying that they recently finished their adoption and things worked out eventually but if they had it to do over they'd adopt from a different country. One lady posted a message saying that she had switched mid process from Hungary to Serbia because of similar issues that people are having with Ukraine, and it's not hard at all to switch the documents. I confirmed this, somewhat, and wrote her an email asking if she had any country recommendations. She asked what we were looking for, I told her, and she said she was quite familiar with the adoption program from Estonia.
So now we're researching that possibility and are so far very impressed with it. It has it's pluses and minuses, but mostly it has the advantages we want and disadvantages we can probably handle better than Ukraine's disadvantages.
I have to get ready for the meeting (religious, for those of you who don't know) so I gotta run, but next post - hopefully tonight - I'll write about Estonia and it's possibilities.
Till later!
Love,
Molly
Sorry for no updates in a really long time! It seemed like for months, nothing was happening. Waiting... Waiting... Waiting. Now, we're still waiting but not in the same way.
Condensing the details as much as possible...
As a review of what occurred over the last 8 months with trying to get our home study done, remember our SW (social worker) Dan left abruptly and no one let us know. We got in touch with someone finally on our new SW's day. At that point we had been 5 months into the home study that should have taken 2 months to complete. Then we told Stan the new SW what to do to complete the home study because he'd never done an international home study before. It was finally completed at the end of January (8 month point). The next step was for him to send it to the state USCIS (US Citizen's and Immigration Services) office to be matched with our original adoption application (form I-600a). We waited 5 weeks, waiting for our approval letter (form I-171H) from the state. At the time we were supposed to receive the form, instead we got a letter from Stan saying that USCIS sent the home study back to him, saying there was no I-600a on file for us! He asked if I filed one. I told him, again, that I had, they cashed my check, and I had a confirmation letter from them.
I called the USCIS local office and they found it without a problem by having me spell Jason's last name. I bet you can guess (those who don't already know the story...) what the problem was???? I went home, looked at a copy of the home study that Stan sent me a couple weeks before, and what do you know?! Jason's name had an extra O. Common mistake, probably. But the most important correctly spelled word in the whole home study!!!! So I overnighted a copy of the home study that I had to the USCIS along with a letter stating the correct spelling. Now we're at the back of the line. The guy there told me that the wait time now for the I-171H form was 6-8 weeks. So another month and a half or two month delay because of the home study.
That was the absolute last straw. I found out, at that point, who was the boss of former SW Dan and current SW Stan, and the name of the president of the agency. I figured out what their email addresses must be (based on the naming convention of Stan's email address), and sent a one and a half page complaint letter outlining in detail all of the above. (Anyone who hasn't and wants to read the letter for entertainment purposes, feel free to email me to ask for it!) I ended it with a hint: "I look forward to hearing from someone, with more than insincere apologies, as soon as possible. Feel free to forward this letter to anyone who can do something about this."
At this point I feel obligated to thank my parents for bestowing upon me the hereditary ability to write good complaint letters. :-D
The next day I got an email back from the president saying that she was very sorry, and needed a day or two to investigate, and that she would get back to me as soon as possible. She said that my experience was not in keeping with their standards and that they do, in fact, care about children (which I had questioned in my letter... After all, they were making an orphan wait longer for a home!).
Two weeks passed and nothing was heard. I wrote asking for an update during that time, too.
Then we come to this past Monday. Monday we found out a few things. First of all, after not hearing from the agency, we decided to write one more letter, more official, and if we still didn't hear anything by a deadline we made clear (next Monday), then we'd take them to court. I hadn't yet officially asked for a refund, so that's what needed to be done first. Second, we found out that Ukraine decided to impose a quota on international adoption dossiers that will be accepted for submission in 2008, and SOMEHOW that quota has ALREADY BEEN MET. Which means, unless they change their mind, even if we sent our dossier now it may not get submitted until next year. That knowledge made us even more angry at the agency for delaying us, as you can imagine. We hear that that new policy is unlikely to stick, but still. We're not likely to be optimistic about delays in this process!
Third, we found out what some families were experiencing recently when they have gone to Ukraine. Before I explain what's going on, you need to remember how the process works. After the dossier is sent, translated, submitted to the SDA in Ukraine (State Dept. of Adoptions), and accepted, the SDA sends an invitation to visit for a one hour appointment on a certain day. That day is usually a month or two out from when you get the letter. You travel, meet for that appointment and they show you files of available children. You choose one, they give you the referral, and you go to that orphanage to visit the child. If that child doesn't work out for you, you go back to the SDA, get another appointment for anywhere from a day to a few days later, look at files again and get another referral. You keep doing that until you find your child. Most adopt their first or second referral.
So... What we found out is that many many many families are going over there, after having spent all the money on translation of their dossier, travel, etc., go in for their SDA appointment, and are given only a few files, mostly of VERY sick kids. For example a few families told me that they were asking for a girl under 6, relatively healthy, and they'd be shown 5 files. Two would be boys, both very sick, two would be girls and older than what they wanted, and one would be a girl in their age range but somewhat sick. They'd take the best of the 5 (which seems like a mind game to me to get more sick kids adopted out) and go see her. Sometimes they'd get lucky and the file was wrong and the child was pretty healthy.
Then there are many other families who would go, ask to see a child under 5 or 6 that was relatively healthy (correctable or manageable issues) and they would say they didn't have any. They'd have to take older or sicker or siblings.
When I say very sick, by the way, I mean cerebral palsy, HIV, hepatitis, quadriplegic, or at least Downs, mental retardation, or severe FAS.
Currently we'd be happy with any child under 6, and maybe even siblings, with correctable or manageable issues. Heart murmur, malnourished, developmental delays, speech problems, crossed eyes, mild FAS, etc.
We heard that there are more families coming home without children because of the lack of options the SDA is giving them. They run out of time and money and go home.
Those things all considered, we quickly got uncomfortable with Ukraine, at least the way it's going now. The SDA has a new director and there are so many things changing, up in the air, etc. Most people on the message boards are saying that people who go over anytime in the new future would have a hard time getting a relatively healthy individual child under 8 and only slightly more likely if they take siblings.
We're really not willing to go through all of this, go over, and risk coming home with nothing after six weeks away from home and all of our money spent. So at the very least, we're backing off the process with Ukraine for now. Even if we didn't want to back off, looks like there's no reason to rush. Delays are the only thing certain right now with that program.
Back to the home study agency... I wrote a letter, after learning of all of this info and being even more angry at the mess we've been pushed into by the delay. After summarizing the difficulties and delays with the home study process, I wrote:
"This is not a delay of a few weeks or even a month or two. This is a delay of five months or more to write it, plus another two month delay because of the misspelled name. This is not a delay caused by unavoidable circumstances. It is a delay caused by carelessness and a lack of standards, accountability, and supervision of your employees. With all of these facts in mind, we feel that we deserve a refund of the $1600 we paid.
"My hope is for both you along with [Agency's Name], and us, to end our relationship on a good note, both feeling that we were treated fairly and received what's best for us all under these circumstances. I would like to be able to tell the hundreds of PA families planning to adopt, with whom we have regular contact through message boards, that the only issues we had with your company were settled justly and in a timely way."
I sent this letter on Monday by certified mail. On Tuesday they received it. Tuesday afternoon I got a call from a man named Pete. He let me know that the president had received my letter, and he asked her if he could call me himself since he was one of the people involved in the fact finding investigation. He said that he whole-heartedly apologized, he couldn't believe that this happened, they thoroughly agree with our assessment of what occurred, were providing more training for their employees, and they would be happy to refund our money.
WOOHOO! So Tuesday was a better day than Monday.
So, in all fairness since they did resolve this eventually, we will refrain from badmouthing them all over the internet, of which I really am capable! ha ha
Whew... OK now here's the next news. (See, I'm making up for the lack of updates!)
There were posts on the message board during all this from a few people saying that they recently finished their adoption and things worked out eventually but if they had it to do over they'd adopt from a different country. One lady posted a message saying that she had switched mid process from Hungary to Serbia because of similar issues that people are having with Ukraine, and it's not hard at all to switch the documents. I confirmed this, somewhat, and wrote her an email asking if she had any country recommendations. She asked what we were looking for, I told her, and she said she was quite familiar with the adoption program from Estonia.
So now we're researching that possibility and are so far very impressed with it. It has it's pluses and minuses, but mostly it has the advantages we want and disadvantages we can probably handle better than Ukraine's disadvantages.
I have to get ready for the meeting (religious, for those of you who don't know) so I gotta run, but next post - hopefully tonight - I'll write about Estonia and it's possibilities.
Till later!
Love,
Molly
Monday, December 31, 2007
Token December Post
Sorry no updates lately. This will be the last update of 2007, I can say that much!
OK... Home study was finally completed about a week ago. Now we are awaiting our I-171 form from the USCIS. I don't know how long that will take to get here but hopefully not long. In the mean time we are going to be getting our other documents all ready to go (notarized). Which means that we are actually sort of seeing a little bit of the distant light at the end of this paperwork preparation tunnel!!
Not much other news to report, I'm afraid. I have heard that people are traveling pretty quickly after their dossier gets submitted. I don't know for sure though! We're still hoping to get to go around April or May or so.
Lately I've been thinking I need to find books to read about the details of child raising that I don't know. Like if we have a four year old... The other day I was thinking while crunching on a mint (quietly, for Jason's sake), "Can a four year old eat a mint? Is that a choking hazard? I wonder if Tristan and Cameron are allowed to chew gum or eat mints... When did I start chewing gum? Has the rule changed since then?" I know it sounds stupid... But I'm trying to think of the "The Things You Don't Think Of Till..." It seems like things like that would come naturally if you have a child from infancy on.
Where is the manual my parents wrote for me for when I have to do their job? This is where they get their revenge. Watching me wallow in my ignorance.
Wait a minute... I was the good kid! Why would they want revenge? There must be some other explanation. I will get to the bottom of this.
OK... Home study was finally completed about a week ago. Now we are awaiting our I-171 form from the USCIS. I don't know how long that will take to get here but hopefully not long. In the mean time we are going to be getting our other documents all ready to go (notarized). Which means that we are actually sort of seeing a little bit of the distant light at the end of this paperwork preparation tunnel!!
Not much other news to report, I'm afraid. I have heard that people are traveling pretty quickly after their dossier gets submitted. I don't know for sure though! We're still hoping to get to go around April or May or so.
Lately I've been thinking I need to find books to read about the details of child raising that I don't know. Like if we have a four year old... The other day I was thinking while crunching on a mint (quietly, for Jason's sake), "Can a four year old eat a mint? Is that a choking hazard? I wonder if Tristan and Cameron are allowed to chew gum or eat mints... When did I start chewing gum? Has the rule changed since then?" I know it sounds stupid... But I'm trying to think of the "The Things You Don't Think Of Till..." It seems like things like that would come naturally if you have a child from infancy on.
Where is the manual my parents wrote for me for when I have to do their job? This is where they get their revenge. Watching me wallow in my ignorance.
Wait a minute... I was the good kid! Why would they want revenge? There must be some other explanation. I will get to the bottom of this.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
How far along are you?
Not much new lately, but thought I'd update you all on the most recent happenings. Stan-the-social-worker came by on Thursday to go over everything that Dan-the-former-social-worker did. We went over the papers he filled out and the answers to our 3 hour interview back in June to make sure that everything was accurate and Stan could accurately type of our "profile" (our completely written home study). He also said he wanted to get to know us, which I suppose would help him write everything.
It was interesting hearing how Dan heard and wrote our answers. Sometimes what he wrote wasn't exactly what we said, so we had to clarify our answers to Stan.
The whole visit took about an hour and a half, which is good considering the original interview took twice that. On the other hand it shouldn't have been needed because the home study should have been done by now! He said he'd heard lots of complaints from different families Dan had been working with. So I guess we aren't the only ones frustrated by a delay with the home study!
Anyway Stan said he'd have it written within a week or two. I hope that's accurate as a worst case! Positive mental attitude... (!)
We're continuing to gather the other documents we need, so we're hoping to get the dossier sent out by the end of the year. I don't know how long it'll take to get the I-171 form from the USCIS (approval from the gov't to adopt - after receiving our initial I-600A form, fingerprints, and home study). But by the time we get that we should have everything else. Then we'll be moving right along.
I was talking to SuSu earlier about how long it seems to be taking. I told her we might be going to Ukraine in the spring sometime, but not sure when. I said maybe March or April. She said that seems so soon. I reminded her that we started this back in June, so it seems like it's taking a while since we're still relatively early in the task list. She said if we were having a biological child it'd still take 9 months to get there. So we counted June to March - 9 months. So I guess even cynical SuSu (she admits it, I can call her that) can help others look at the bright side sometimes. :)
After that the conversation was all downhill, joking about the "conception" of the process back in June, after a very romantic night of watching Dateline about a family that adopted, and a whole lot of research on the internet. LOL
Until the next eagerly anticipated update...
Love,
Molly
It was interesting hearing how Dan heard and wrote our answers. Sometimes what he wrote wasn't exactly what we said, so we had to clarify our answers to Stan.
The whole visit took about an hour and a half, which is good considering the original interview took twice that. On the other hand it shouldn't have been needed because the home study should have been done by now! He said he'd heard lots of complaints from different families Dan had been working with. So I guess we aren't the only ones frustrated by a delay with the home study!
Anyway Stan said he'd have it written within a week or two. I hope that's accurate as a worst case! Positive mental attitude... (!)
We're continuing to gather the other documents we need, so we're hoping to get the dossier sent out by the end of the year. I don't know how long it'll take to get the I-171 form from the USCIS (approval from the gov't to adopt - after receiving our initial I-600A form, fingerprints, and home study). But by the time we get that we should have everything else. Then we'll be moving right along.
I was talking to SuSu earlier about how long it seems to be taking. I told her we might be going to Ukraine in the spring sometime, but not sure when. I said maybe March or April. She said that seems so soon. I reminded her that we started this back in June, so it seems like it's taking a while since we're still relatively early in the task list. She said if we were having a biological child it'd still take 9 months to get there. So we counted June to March - 9 months. So I guess even cynical SuSu (she admits it, I can call her that) can help others look at the bright side sometimes. :)
After that the conversation was all downhill, joking about the "conception" of the process back in June, after a very romantic night of watching Dateline about a family that adopted, and a whole lot of research on the internet. LOL
Until the next eagerly anticipated update...
Love,
Molly
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Needles and vampires.
OK fans, here's the latest!
As some of you may remember, we have to get a doctor to fill out and sign a medical certificate saying we don't have various diseases and we are healthy enough to adopt. This form seems to require, when you look at it, going to 8 different doctors to get the diagnosis of several things, including mental health, skin diseases, STD's, a narcologist, and a general physician, as well as a TB, HIV and Syphilis test. However what is actually required is to just go to the family doctor, have everything written as "healthy", pending only TB, HIV and Syphilis tests. We didn't have a family doctor, and we weren't sure if there was an easy procedure to find a doctor who would be patient enough to hear all of the requirements in filling out this form (including the various options for notarizing, stamping, certifying, copying, and attaching). So I called some of the doctors in our network for our insurance. Several weren't available for new patient appointments until DECEMBER! Finally, one I called said late November/early December, but in my frustration of hearing that all day I told her why we needed the appointment. She spoke softly, asking me if we could come in October 24th. I did a silent victory dance and gladly accepted the appointment.
So yesterday we went. I knew that the insurance wasn't going to cover the test because that is "preventative care" and they only want to pay for you AFTER you're sick, not before. So the receptionist told me that the visit and tests would probably run us a hundred or two each. Fine, whatever, as long as the stupid form gets filled out!
SO fortunately, the doctor was not only patient, but seemed willing to go above and beyond to make sure she completely understood how to fill out the form, and offered extra steps she could do to make sure Ukraine didn't reject anything (attaching a notarized copy of her medical license, even though that wouldn't be required since the paper would be stamped with the official office stamp and seal, and be notarized itself).
While she was doing this, the nurse came in to tell us that the insurance definitely wouldn't cover the tests, and that in addition to an extra "draw fee" they'd have to charge us to take the blood and send it to the lab, the test through them and their lab for HIV was like $378!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EACH!!! I told her I was glad she'd already taken my BP because I was sure it just went up.
The doctor was even shocked. So they though we could go directly to the lab instead of having them draw it in the doctor's office, and that would be cheaper. They gave us phone numbers of literally 20 or more labs we could call. They were going to call for us, and I offered to do it later that day.
Then, with the nurse and doctor brainstorming on our behalf, they decided we should just go to the Allentown Health Bureau, since we all (including the doctor) were demanding that $378 for an HIV test was insane, especially considering that it ought to be easy to get since the general population with a fear of infection won't spend that kind of money.
The doctor said she didn't care how we got proof of not being infected, as long as there was a print out to look at she didn't care if we went to a free clinic and got the stupid test.
So we went to Allentown Health Bureau today and after answering questions about our "preferences" and "history" with drugs and private life that could potentially indicate likelihood of infection, we paid exactly $0 for us both to have our blood drawn, by a nurse lady who was nicknamed "the Vampire". (Jason didn't nearly faint this time like he did the last time he had blood drawn. Don't tell him I told you.)
We have to wait till next Thursday to get the results, but it's not like we're worried about them! So we'll gladly wait an extra week to save more than $700.
In the meantime, my first TB test (that I remember) appears to be negative. So that's good. Jay's too, but he's been tested several times before.
Both tests - no fun. But they're done. :)
All for now!
Love,
Molly
As some of you may remember, we have to get a doctor to fill out and sign a medical certificate saying we don't have various diseases and we are healthy enough to adopt. This form seems to require, when you look at it, going to 8 different doctors to get the diagnosis of several things, including mental health, skin diseases, STD's, a narcologist, and a general physician, as well as a TB, HIV and Syphilis test. However what is actually required is to just go to the family doctor, have everything written as "healthy", pending only TB, HIV and Syphilis tests. We didn't have a family doctor, and we weren't sure if there was an easy procedure to find a doctor who would be patient enough to hear all of the requirements in filling out this form (including the various options for notarizing, stamping, certifying, copying, and attaching). So I called some of the doctors in our network for our insurance. Several weren't available for new patient appointments until DECEMBER! Finally, one I called said late November/early December, but in my frustration of hearing that all day I told her why we needed the appointment. She spoke softly, asking me if we could come in October 24th. I did a silent victory dance and gladly accepted the appointment.
So yesterday we went. I knew that the insurance wasn't going to cover the test because that is "preventative care" and they only want to pay for you AFTER you're sick, not before. So the receptionist told me that the visit and tests would probably run us a hundred or two each. Fine, whatever, as long as the stupid form gets filled out!
SO fortunately, the doctor was not only patient, but seemed willing to go above and beyond to make sure she completely understood how to fill out the form, and offered extra steps she could do to make sure Ukraine didn't reject anything (attaching a notarized copy of her medical license, even though that wouldn't be required since the paper would be stamped with the official office stamp and seal, and be notarized itself).
While she was doing this, the nurse came in to tell us that the insurance definitely wouldn't cover the tests, and that in addition to an extra "draw fee" they'd have to charge us to take the blood and send it to the lab, the test through them and their lab for HIV was like $378!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EACH!!! I told her I was glad she'd already taken my BP because I was sure it just went up.
The doctor was even shocked. So they though we could go directly to the lab instead of having them draw it in the doctor's office, and that would be cheaper. They gave us phone numbers of literally 20 or more labs we could call. They were going to call for us, and I offered to do it later that day.
Then, with the nurse and doctor brainstorming on our behalf, they decided we should just go to the Allentown Health Bureau, since we all (including the doctor) were demanding that $378 for an HIV test was insane, especially considering that it ought to be easy to get since the general population with a fear of infection won't spend that kind of money.
The doctor said she didn't care how we got proof of not being infected, as long as there was a print out to look at she didn't care if we went to a free clinic and got the stupid test.
So we went to Allentown Health Bureau today and after answering questions about our "preferences" and "history" with drugs and private life that could potentially indicate likelihood of infection, we paid exactly $0 for us both to have our blood drawn, by a nurse lady who was nicknamed "the Vampire". (Jason didn't nearly faint this time like he did the last time he had blood drawn. Don't tell him I told you.)
We have to wait till next Thursday to get the results, but it's not like we're worried about them! So we'll gladly wait an extra week to save more than $700.
In the meantime, my first TB test (that I remember) appears to be negative. So that's good. Jay's too, but he's been tested several times before.
Both tests - no fun. But they're done. :)
All for now!
Love,
Molly
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Ready... Set.... WAIT!!!!!!
Sorry it's been so long, again! We haven't had really anything to write about since August. Here's a stab at an update, though.
First of all, after waiting and waiting to hear from Dan-the-social-worker and never getting return emails or calls from him about the status of our home study and whether he'd gotten our references back yet, I got a hold of some other guy at his agency (STAN-the-social-worker). He let me know that Dan is no longer there. Nice of someone to call us, huh? So here it is two months after the home study should have been done, and here's the best part: he says "Well I have your folder here"... after spelling Jason's last name about 200 times, give or take... "but it's empty. So we might have to start over." My response was, "Okay... No... What?" So after my verbally apparent shock, he transferred me to Dan's old secretary, who promptly interrupted my distraught speech to tell me she had our file and she'd help me get everything finished. They had not received any reference letters back, which I'd suspected because no one said they got anything. So I sent her the references addresses again, and she sent the forms out that day. So far everyone has had them since Thursday so hopefully they will be quick at sending them back (this means YOU Stacey, Val, Josh, Rachel and SuSu!).
THEN apparently Dan never did send in this application for the letter we never received from the gov't (child abuse clearance - the reason we needed addresses we've lived in since 1975). So we have to resend that form and wait again for that letter.
So things are getting back on track, slowly.
We have an appointment on the 24th at our new family doctor (which we've not needed for years and years and years till now, and still don't need other than the fact that we have to get a form signed saying we're healthy) to get our medical exam certificate for our adoption dossier.
(FYI "Dossier"= the packet of stuff that goes to Ukraine. Sounds like how it's spelled, if you're French.)
Getting the appointment with the doctor was tough. Most doctor offices don't have new patient appointments available until December! This particular office had a nice receptionist who I think squeezed us in soon because I told her why we needed it. Plus that particular office seems to be familiar with the "adoption certificate" thing that doctors occasionally get asked to fill out.
Other than that, we did our fingerprints for our original application to the USCIS (US Citizen's and Immigration Service) the other day in Philly, with a 3 hour drive home in rush hour from there! :)
(I don't mean to only be complaining... let's see if I can get more positive...)
So good news is things are finally getting done!
Oh wait... More bad news...
As most of you know, August wiped out all of our adoption savings because we had the first ever deficit financially in probably over a year. And it was a big one! So even if there had been no delays, we would have been delayed on the next step because of that anyway. We'd be sitting here with a complete dossier, ready for it to go to Ukraine, but no money for the translator anyway. After we finish getting together the documents and finishing the home study, we will need about $5k for that. Then we wait, and save, for the actual trip.
At this point, with the number of documents and things that are going to take at least a month or two to arrive still, and also saving, I estimate we probably won't be traveling until spring. :( Probably March, if I had to guess. If we had the full $12-14k now, it'd be quicker, but who does?!
OK back to good news... October is going pretty well with $. We are still trying to see if we'll have time at the end of the month to go to SC for a fishing/visiting trip. Trying to pack as many people into the next couple weeks for programs so we can get out of town at the end of the month if possible.
Still an adventure! Fortunately there is a huge resource of people online that have been through this whole process who are always happy to immediately answer questions. The hardest part for me, I think, is that it's hard to stay focused on it when there are so many times that I have to start and stop and wait, and start again. When I have my mind on something that I want to do, I like to work on it until it's done (only things I WANT to do, though. Everything else I procrastinate.). But with this I can work all day on it and feel like I accomplished a lot, and tomorrow sit here and want to work on it and have nothing that can be done that day!
So you're all updated for now. Hopefully things will go at an even pace now without such a big stall. I've missed the demands for posts from you guys when there are actually things happening!
Love,
Molly
First of all, after waiting and waiting to hear from Dan-the-social-worker and never getting return emails or calls from him about the status of our home study and whether he'd gotten our references back yet, I got a hold of some other guy at his agency (STAN-the-social-worker). He let me know that Dan is no longer there. Nice of someone to call us, huh? So here it is two months after the home study should have been done, and here's the best part: he says "Well I have your folder here"... after spelling Jason's last name about 200 times, give or take... "but it's empty. So we might have to start over." My response was, "Okay... No... What?" So after my verbally apparent shock, he transferred me to Dan's old secretary, who promptly interrupted my distraught speech to tell me she had our file and she'd help me get everything finished. They had not received any reference letters back, which I'd suspected because no one said they got anything. So I sent her the references addresses again, and she sent the forms out that day. So far everyone has had them since Thursday so hopefully they will be quick at sending them back (this means YOU Stacey, Val, Josh, Rachel and SuSu!).
THEN apparently Dan never did send in this application for the letter we never received from the gov't (child abuse clearance - the reason we needed addresses we've lived in since 1975). So we have to resend that form and wait again for that letter.
So things are getting back on track, slowly.
We have an appointment on the 24th at our new family doctor (which we've not needed for years and years and years till now, and still don't need other than the fact that we have to get a form signed saying we're healthy) to get our medical exam certificate for our adoption dossier.
(FYI "Dossier"= the packet of stuff that goes to Ukraine. Sounds like how it's spelled, if you're French.)
Getting the appointment with the doctor was tough. Most doctor offices don't have new patient appointments available until December! This particular office had a nice receptionist who I think squeezed us in soon because I told her why we needed it. Plus that particular office seems to be familiar with the "adoption certificate" thing that doctors occasionally get asked to fill out.
Other than that, we did our fingerprints for our original application to the USCIS (US Citizen's and Immigration Service) the other day in Philly, with a 3 hour drive home in rush hour from there! :)
(I don't mean to only be complaining... let's see if I can get more positive...)
So good news is things are finally getting done!
Oh wait... More bad news...
As most of you know, August wiped out all of our adoption savings because we had the first ever deficit financially in probably over a year. And it was a big one! So even if there had been no delays, we would have been delayed on the next step because of that anyway. We'd be sitting here with a complete dossier, ready for it to go to Ukraine, but no money for the translator anyway. After we finish getting together the documents and finishing the home study, we will need about $5k for that. Then we wait, and save, for the actual trip.
At this point, with the number of documents and things that are going to take at least a month or two to arrive still, and also saving, I estimate we probably won't be traveling until spring. :( Probably March, if I had to guess. If we had the full $12-14k now, it'd be quicker, but who does?!
OK back to good news... October is going pretty well with $. We are still trying to see if we'll have time at the end of the month to go to SC for a fishing/visiting trip. Trying to pack as many people into the next couple weeks for programs so we can get out of town at the end of the month if possible.
Still an adventure! Fortunately there is a huge resource of people online that have been through this whole process who are always happy to immediately answer questions. The hardest part for me, I think, is that it's hard to stay focused on it when there are so many times that I have to start and stop and wait, and start again. When I have my mind on something that I want to do, I like to work on it until it's done (only things I WANT to do, though. Everything else I procrastinate.). But with this I can work all day on it and feel like I accomplished a lot, and tomorrow sit here and want to work on it and have nothing that can be done that day!
So you're all updated for now. Hopefully things will go at an even pace now without such a big stall. I've missed the demands for posts from you guys when there are actually things happening!
Love,
Molly
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